Musical chairs

Hi Reader,

"Mom, do you know how to play musical chairs?"

This week, G started summer camp. He's 4 and there are a lot of things that are new to him, so sometimes I just say no for the delight of hearing him explain them. He proceeds to walk through all the rules in detail.

"So, did you play musical chairs at camp today?" I ask when he's finished.

"No."

"Oh, why not?" I ask.

"It's too stressful," he says.

It's hard to describe the joy and pride I feel in this moment. You see, I hated musical chairs as a kid. The constant worry if I was going to be left awkwardly standing, the feeling of everyone staring at me when I got eliminated — it was the stuff of my nightmares.

And just as I'm flashing back to my childhood dread of the game and worrying he might feel the same, here's my kid — with no fear or drama — just opting out.

As I listen to him explain that he just told the counselors he didn't want to play, and had fun watching instead, I think to myself: When did I learn that wasn't an option?

When I was a kid, I assumed there was something wrong with me for not liking what everyone else seemed to find fun. I believed I was too slow, too sensitive. Sitting on the sidelines was a mark of being weird or lame, so I tried my best to pretend to be into these games, to ignore the anxiety coursing through my body.

My friend Dr. Becky Kennedy said something recently about confidence that resonated with me. She pointed out that a lot of parents worry that their kid isn't confident if they tend to fear new situations or want to hang back rather than be among the first kids to jump into an activity. Parents often push kids in these situations, viewing their reticence as a problem to be overcome.

But she notes that when kids become teenagers, we value their ability to assess situations before jumping in. And when we teach kids to override the stress signals that tell them to go slow and take their time, it builds a muscle for ignoring those intuitions later in life (when they might really need them).

Confidence, in Becky's view, is knowing yourself well enough to know what's right for you, and being brave enough to make that choice, even if it's not the popular or easy path. Isn't this what we hope for our kids, and ourselves?

But what does this have to do with joy?

Watching my kid notice that something billed as joyful actually felt stressful was clarifying for me. It's surprisingly hard to say no to a culturally accepted form of joy. (Just look at how difficult it is to opt out of drinking.) People pressure you to participate, suggest you're boring or a killjoy for not wanting to join in. "What's the harm?" we're told. "It's just good fun."

Being able to see what doesn't bring you joy, and kindly (yet firmly) say no is an important step toward being able to find more of what does.

If you could use a refresher on some joyful ways to say no, this post has you covered.

Wishing you a wonderful weekend full of your kind of fun, and absolutely no musical chairs (unless that's your thing)! And read on for a very cool staircase, the cinnamon rolls I'm obsessed with, and one thing to bring perspective to your morning routine.

Joyfully,

Ingrid

One Thing

Daily Design Exercise

When I heard Gabby Bernstein describe this exercise a couple of months ago, I knew immediately that I had to try it. I've done it every morning for the last six weeks and it has been transformative. At the beginning of each day, simply ask:

Who do I want to be today?

How do I want to feel today?

What do I want to give today?

What do I want to receive today?

Notice that there's no "do" on this list. So many morning routines focus on goals, accomplishments, and prioritizing to do lists, and when I first started doing this, I often accidentally wrote "What do I want to do today?" as one of the items. But as I've been exploring what it means to define myself outside of what I do, I've found that this practice has been so helpful in shifting my focus away from the relentless pressure to achieve, and toward a more nuanced way of engaging with the world.

Delightful Discoveries

The coolest staircase

A baby sees bubbles for the first time

Well this dress is fun! (Also this skirt. And this one!)

My quest for sourdough pizza dough led me to discover these frozen cinnamon rolls. I made a few the other night and it induced a kind of temporary insanity in my family. Planning to keep a few packs in the freezer for brunch entertaining.

G received a kite as a birthday gift and it introduced me to the joy of the Beaufort wind scale, which allows you to understand wind speed just by observing things around you

A simple movement from tai chi to bring more joy to your day

I love kid artists, and this 10 year-old's work is pure joy

Kids spend less time on devices when their parents do the same

Signs you're making progress in life (even if it doesn't feel like it)

I'm not thinking about fall yet but if I were, this skirt would be my perfect transition piece

A reminder to ignore these excuses for not making your art

A beautiful, very chill version of a popular song from a few years ago (I also just love seeing musicians really enjoying themselves)

Few people knew female birds had unique songs — until women started studying them

An interesting thought on indecision